[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
[metal banging]
Man, I'm a VIP, I don't have to take this.
[tentacles moan]
Hey, your buddy's dead,
[tentacles moan]
but I didn't do it,
[tentacles moan]
so that means you're a witness
[tentacles moan]
if somebody asks about it later.
[metal banging]
That guard's just standing there.
[tentacles moan]
I don't know why.
[metal banging]
Maybe it's his job to guard
the explosives from being eaten by aliens.
All things considered, I think we
should let the aliens eat the explosives
[tentacles moan]
if they want to.
[tentacles moan]
Hah! I flanked you.
[tentacles moan]
Well, I'm going to assume that because this
[tentacles moan]
is the most dangerous-looking thing
[tentacles moan]
I've seen in my life,
[metal banging]
God! Look at how big this thing is!
This is completely unacceptable.
We don't have room for this.
[tentacles moan]
That thing's already
[metal banging]
half-buried in the floor.
[metal banging]
That's right. I bang, you bang,
[metal banging]
we all bang together.
[tentacles moan]
What was that Nietzsche said?
[tentacles moan]
"He who fights drummers
[tentacles moan]
"should see to it that
[tentacles moan]
"in the process he does not
[metal banging]
"become a drummer?"
[tentacles moan]
Or was it "monsters"?
[tentacles moan]
I don't know. Same thing, really.
[tentacles moan]
No, it had to be "drummers".
That's a monster and there's no way
I'm going to end up look like that thing.
I wonder if Nietzsche was in a band.
I bet he was. I should look him
up when I get out of here.
I bet the songs have pretty deep lyrics.
I feel like I should be learning
something from this.
And, of course, the catwalk
folds like cardboard,
but the frigging pipes are fine.
[whistling "The Man on the Flying Trapeze"]
Hey, there's that other ledge!
If I had a hang glider, I could've
just swooped down here.
This place frustrates me to no end.
I guess the light at the end of
the tunnel here is that it should be
pretty easy for me to get a new job now.
Seriously, the military is going to get
a hard-on once they realize they have
honest-to-God monsters that big to attack.
The US is certain to dump
boatloads into defense spending
on top of what we already have.
There's going to be a lot of trickling
down to research and development.
Hell, I could be driving a
Porsche before the year is out.
I guess the big danger to such
massive defense spending
is that we might end up as a military
city-state perpetually at war with aliens.
[zombies grunt]
Like "Starship Troopers".
[zombies grunt]
What's that noise?
[zombies grunt]
Oh, someone thinks they're smarter
[zombies grunt]
than me, huh?
[zombies grunt]
I don't need to dignify this.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A DEGREE!
Actually, your host bodies have
degrees around here,
but you're just latching on to that.
That's even worse than one of
those online degrees.
You're a parasite in every way.
Knowing this place, that means
somebody must've fallen in at one point.
And we put up cardboard tubes
wrapped in tin foil apparently.
This is so cool, it's just like
Super Mario.
[whistles "Super Mario Bros." theme]
It's a game that glorifies the
fat blue-collar worker.
People will have to learn to appreciate
their station in life once I rise to power.
[whistles underground theme from "Super Mario"]
Oh, I hate forks like this!
Because I know whichever path I take,
it's going to change my life forever.
Okay, did I pick the right one?
Now I'm always going to be
10-seconds behind in life.
That means I may miss
meeting my future wife
or escaping an assassin's bullet.
I'll be without a throne or heir
all because of this stupid dungeon.
I AM DESTINED FOR GREATNESS!
Y'know, it would make this whole day almost
worth it if I found buried treasure here?
I mean, this is the place for it to be.
Either that, or some bodies.
Oh, cool, I didn't go in circles again.
Okay, going to have to hook my arm here...
Whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm supposed to
be the stalker, not you!
You sneak out of the manhole and
somebody's already waiting for you.
I will say, with as many grenades
lying around as I've seen,
I am a little surprised we haven't
had a bigger accident before today.
Man, when I get a mansion, this
is exactly what it'll be like.
People will knock on the door,
the butler will answer the door,
blow them away with a shotgun,
And I guess I'll need a couple
people to move the bodies
so they don't rot on the property.
I can't realistically expect the
butler to--where am I?
I can't expect the butler to do
that by himself without dragging them,
and that would mark up the floors.
And if it was a really fat guy,
they might need a hand-trolley.
Yeah, I don't know, there's a
lot of planning involved,
I'll just have to take this
one step at a time.
This room reminds me of that place in Star
Wars where Darth Vader cuts off Luke's hand.
Man, I wish lightsabers were real.
I don't see why you need "the Force"
if you have an energy sword that
can cut through anything.
All you need then is a list of demands.
Damn, I was hoping for a
maintenance shaft here.
There's really no excuse for hav--
JESUS CHRIST! THAT COULD'VE
TAKEN MY HEAD OFF!
WHO THE FUCK DESIGNED THIS?!
How are you supposed to turn
that on without dying?
How are you even supposed to turn it off?
Is that what all these
grenades are for?
I guess I don't have anyone
to blame but myself.
You go around pushing enough buttons
on heavy machinery and you end up in trouble.
At least there were no witnesses this time.
[wind howls]
I mean this is nothing
[wind howls]
compared to wood shop back in high school.
[wind howls]
I almost got expelled over that.
[wind howls]
[lock buzzes]
[wind howls]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
[wind howls]
YOU CAN'T OPEN THIS FROM THE INSIDE
[wind howls]
AND IT AUTOMATICALLY SHUTS?!
[wind howls]
I think there needs to be a sign
[wind howls]
on the outside that says
[wind howls]
"Please prop the door or else
[wind howls]
"you'll die a slow death."
[wind howls]
I wonder if the aliens are edible.